Blog Entry: December 31st, 2024

Well, it's been a long time since my last time writing a blog post. I meant to do weekly blog posts but then life just-- got so busy and in hindsight, I was entering a deep depression. I don't know why, but whenever things get hard for me, I seem to shrink up into myself. Life looses its color. Everything becomes so bland and colorless. I'm only now coming out of the depression hole but wow. This has been a really tough season in my life.

Some things that ended up happening, was that I was apart of singing on-stage for a big conference, much exams, turned 21, got depressed, getting un-depressed, found out I partially tore my MCL, changed insurances, started physical therapy, started going to the gym and I started running again!

Also, everyone knows but me, apparently, that I have social anxiety and am a nervous lil wreck. Somehow I forgot after finding out like a year ago. I compartmentalize things when the going gets tough, which isn't necessarily always great or helpful, but I find that part of it comes from the fact that I'm very independent. I don't like autonomy being taken away from me. The more a person tries to help sometime, the more it irritates me because I need the feeling of doing things on my own and controlling them, rather than relinquishing them to somebody else.

I don't know... even right now I feel like I'm on the brink of it all. I just feel sad. I know there's good things ahead but it's hard to look forward to anything anymore. I just want to leave everyone and everything behind. In a few hours, I need to go pretend to be happy. ...this all sounds so terribly angsty. Maybe I'm just feeling this way because of my period.

Anyways. Tomorrow is 2025. We'll take it as it comes and in the meanwhile, try to work towards the good things. I'm working on another blog post with all my New Years reflection and resolutions and stuff. On another note, I love the work above. It's literally how I've been feeling the last 5 months. Alone, trudging on towards a place that I can barely see and still miles to go.

Art pictured above is Wessex Poems - The Alarm by Thomas Hardy, downloaded from Unsplash from Birminghams Museum Trust.