Blog Entry: May 12th, 2026

*Big sigh...* I am having a lot of reflection and panic this month. Be aware that I'm feeling quite morose and nostalgic. It just feels like the end of an era for me. I am also totally stuck on one assignment and I cannot move onto studying onto tomorrow's exam without finishing it but it feels like it's impossible to finish it! (It's supposed to be a detailed diagram of the trigeminal nerve btw.)

I'm going to be graduating with my Bachelor's in Exercise Science in two weeks. It's both terrifying and thrilling. I feel excited and happy because it's a new chapter in my life. I am mostly looking forward to more free time because I want to read more books and watch more shows/movies. I really just want to enjoy my life without feeling like there's some sort of sword hanging over my neck. But, the thing is even though university isn't hanging over my neck, in a way it still is because I want to get into a DPT program. I still haven't gotten my letters of rec because I've been so scared to bother people. I am not sure that I've gotten enough volunteer/observational hours in for my application though I know I have at least a solid 50 hours because of my spring internship. I also need to take the GRE exam and I haven't even started studying for that! There is quite literally a million things I feel like I need to do!

These academic/career ambitions are not the only things that I feel are pressuring me. I feel these social obligations that I've let slip because of school. I haven't kept myself in good shape. I am feeling that pressure to find a partner even though no one currently interests me and I don't think I will find someone within my ethnic community that I could make a life with, meaning that my parents will be disappointed in me. I also need to get a job, hopefully a physical therapy aide position. So many things to do...

I feel especially worried about my applications because I don't think I stand out much. I didn't do super great in my time during community college even though I kept pretty good grades these past two years in university. I didn't do any clubs, don't have some amazing extracurricular in my back pocket. I just did okay... and when you were hyped up in your childhood for being extra or smart, it feels like you've already failed when you're perfectly normal.

Another part of my nostalgia about graduating university is that beyond being apart of my community college swim team and some friendships during community college, I didn't really have that typical college experience. I don't really have any good friends here in university. I never went to any parties or games. I just... stayed home or studied. And I regret that. I can't change the past but I wish that I pushed myself to be more outgoing.

I think part of it is that fact that I maybe pushed myself too hard all this time. Had too high of a standard. Didn't let myself rest or have as much fun. I don't know... I have been happy these past few months or at least happier than I usually am. I am trying to keep a positive outlook and just try to speak it into existence. I keep fighting and struggling with myself internally about reaching out to people because I always feel like I'm a bother. "Be more of a bother," I keep telling myself but no, the emails to my professors never sends. *sigh* It's okay, I'll handle it after this exam. Just one step at a time, I guess.

There are things I'm definitely looking forward to though! One of the patients at the place I intern at gave me two tomatoes and one pepper plant! It's been two weeks and I still need to plant them! (I am such a big procrastinator.) I am looking forward to swimming this summer and training to go on longer, more sustained runs. I want to finish reading books and rewatch Hospital Playlist. I also do have some big plans for this site! I have finally figured out how to make the graphics I want and I do think that real soon this whole site is going to be Tea Dragon themed and the way I blog will be completely overhauled! I also found some templates that will make exporting ao3 works to my site so much easier!

Well.. once again I yapped too much but at least I feel lighter. Maybe I can focus on this assignment now.