Blog Entry: May 24th, 2025

OK, so it's a been a bit since my last blog. I want to keep writing more blog posts, just honestly to kind of check in with myself. It's just been very dark and depressing these past few months. I have been idealistically daydreaming about moving out of the US but on one hand, I know that I can't run from all my problems. It's just. Hm. A lot. I'll leave it at that.

Okay so quick recap: finished the semester, I don't remembe most of it, felt like shit most of these past few months, US politics is a hell, unlocked panic attacks, I was most definitely in a depressive episode, gained weight, lost muscle and am now stuck in a toxic friendship. Life's swell :)

I mentioned these past few blog posts that I feel like I've been in a depressive episode again - which aha, definitely have, now that I'm out of the danger zone. My depressive episodes don't look really bad from the outside but the reality is, life goes so bleak for me that I withdraw internally just to save my energy. I don't know why but I literally cannot actually recognize when I'm in a depressive episode when I'm in the middle of one, even though I am technically aware??? Idk, I'm weird and I have issues :D I kinda started coming out of the episode around March when spring came because my campus is pretty and hearing birds sing makes my heart happy. Did technically okay this semester, got an A in every single class except Physics - which I'm retaking over the summer.

Side rant: howst the fuck did that man get hired as teacher? He taught the class in the most abstract way possible! Both, didn't explain the concept fully or go fully through a physics problem. The homework was wildly insanely difficult and as a proud non-AI user, I just gave up on it. When you asked that man for help, he just told you read the book and then when I asked him to walk me through a problem, literally made me more confused. He let us bring FOUR!!! pages of notes, front and back, into the cumulative final exam and the class average was still 65%. Like, man you have to take a good hard look at yourself at that point and ask if you're the problem >.>

Okay so I'm going to review how I'm feeling and doing about the goals I set at the beginning of the year. Just a quick lil three sentence review. I don't think I'm doing well on my goals, though I do think I will be doing better on them considering I'm on summer vacation! I get a different type of depressed during the summer (yay?) but hey, I'll get a lot more run time in and more reading done :) Maybe by the time I get done with 75 Hard, things will be better? Welp, fingers crossed.

Have I specifically seeked out rejection? Um, not really. Have I still gotten rejected a lot this semester? Yeah. Broke me :)

Eh, I'm trying. I'm getting better at it recently, but after getting so incredibly sick in February and then depression, it's hard to remember tha movement makes me happy. I am also pretty sure I lost muscle. Horrible, but we're working on it

Nope, I feel as flimsy as noodle. Mentally? Wrecked but slowly pulling myself together. Physically? Lil better off but definitely needs more work

Feels like that's all I did this semester, except it wasn't by choice. I should've taken more times to specifically just go out of my way to do things just for me exercise-wise.

Aha, ahahhaha, no it was so bad these past few months. Like I said, I was in that depressive slog and was just putting one foot in front of the other.

I feel like I've been pretty grateful for my body, people around me, nature. Idk, something about seeing and hearing birds makes me so happy to be alive. We really need to protect this plant...

Nope, also a thing that didn't happen because my headspace was too crowded to even think about being social.

I was okay? except for physics. DOn't feel like I've learned muchand I was really flaky with my lab partners because of my mental health which I feel really guilty about.

No, but I am looking for one and have applied for some! Will be applying to more on Monday

No, and I NEED TO. I need to write a script to call people about this...

Yes...? I feel like I've been less obsessed with Insta though Youtube Shorts does suck me in sometimes...

Hm. I started writing a new fic (haha not again) in March anonmyously because I feel pressure writing under my name currently. Also, because the fic is stupid :) I've written close to 10k for it, so I guess I've made some progress

No, slipped through my hands because of headspace and time. Also because the whole toxic situation going on with choir/friend.

No, no time :( Hopefully will go to Yosemite next Saturday tho!

Ahahaha, failed this so bad, read all of the above

Nope, gained weight so more of my closet is no longer accessible to me. Currently looking to lose 10-15 lbs so I can fit back into my usual size.

Mm, I think I've stayed at the same healthy meals I eat. I did cook chili twice this winter, which was quite good.

Yep, still sough external validation and still too focused on what people think of me :/

Not possible this year :(

I tried but again, time and energy were lacking.

I think I've touched the piano twice these past five months...

No... but I'm going to pick up the fairytale Ukrainian book soon

as for my bingo card (bottom of another blog post), i actually haven't done anything on it :| incredible. that's actually lowkey sad. looking at it, i've started some things like, I've read 3 books so far (out of 10), written 10k (out of 50k), am watching one show rn, got mostly a's in my classes (except 1 F) but like. wow. done nothing. maybe i'll go to yosemite next week tho

Art pictured above is La Place Des Vosges (1928) by Georges Leon Dufrenoy, downloaded from Unsplash from Birmingham Museums Trust.